


Time and Relative Perspectives in Space

by cantarina, MoragMacPherson, nickelmountain, weimar27



Category: Doctor Who, Supernatural
Genre: Community: pod-together, Crossover, Doctor Who: post-Waters of Mars pre-End of Time, Gen, Podfic, Screenplay/Script Format, Supernatural: Season/Series 06, Superwho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-10
Updated: 2011-07-10
Packaged: 2017-10-21 06:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/221729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantarina/pseuds/cantarina, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoragMacPherson/pseuds/MoragMacPherson, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nickelmountain/pseuds/nickelmountain, https://archiveofourown.org/users/weimar27/pseuds/weimar27
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Tall Tales</em> four years later.  With an unearthly twist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Time and Relative Perspectives in Space

**Author's Note:**

> Fandoms: Doctor Who and Supernatural  
> Written by moragmacpherson  
> Performed by cantarina as Sam Winchester, weimar27 as Dean Winchester, nickelmountain as The Tenth Doctor  
> Story Betas: callowyn & switchbladesis  
>  _NB: DSP = Dean from Sam's POV; SDP = Sam from Dean's POV_  
>  **Downloads:** [MP3](http://pod-together.parakaproductions.com/2011podfic/SPN-DW-Time%20and%20Relative%20Perspectives%20in%20Space%20by%20moragmacpherson,%20cantarina,%20nickelmountain%20and%20weimar27.mp3) | [M4B](http://pod-together.parakaproductions.com/2011podfic/SPN-DW-Time%20and%20Relative%20Perspectives%20in%20Space%20by%20moragmacpherson,%20cantarina,%20nickelmountain%20and%20weimar27.m4b)

[The TARDIS materializes]

 **DEAN**  
What the...?

**SAM**  
Are you seeing...?

**DEAN**  
Yeah, Sammy, I see it.

[Sounds of guns cocking, then the TARDIS doors crack open. A BEAT of silence, then a sonic screwdriver pokes out]

**DEAN**  
Uh... hello there, little blue stick... thing.

[The sonic BUZZES]

**SAM**  
Is it... scanning us?

**DEAN**  
Sounds like a vibrator.

**SAM**  
Dude, vibrators do not come with blue night lights attached.

**DEAN**  
Sam, if you can think of it, someone's made a vibrator that looks like it.

[The TARDIS doors swing wide with a slam of the wooden doors, revealing TEN, who steps out into the bus!TARDIS (sound of footsteps?)]

**TEN**  
Ahoy there, you naughty, naughty trespassers.

**DEAN**  
Who the hell are--?

**TEN**  
I'm the Doctor. And you are?

**DEAN**  
Doctor who?

**TEN**  
No who, just the Doctor.

**DEAN**  
(Thick with sarcasm)  
Heh, well, Bones, I'm James T. Kirk and this here is Spock.

**TEN**  
(laughs)  
Seeing as this isn't the starship Enterprise, would you care to try again?

**SAM**  
(annoyed at Dean, grateful just to see anyone)  
He can do that for hours, Doctor. I'm Sam and he's my brother Dean and--

**TEN**  
(scoffing, starting to get annoyed)  
Right. And I suppose your last name is Winchester? Third time's the charm.

**SAM**  
(surprised)  
Uh, actually, yeah: it is.

**TEN**  
(taken aback)  
Oh.

[quick beat: Sam and Dean make wordless, affirmative hums]

**TEN**  
(A bit awestruck... starts slow but accelerates through the sentence)  
 _Really?_ That's just... brilliant. The Winchester brothers aboard an impossible, half-dead TARDIS. Ha!  
(turns back to the problem at hand)  
Honestly, it's an honor to meet you, but we don't have a lot of time for introductions, I'm afraid.

[The sonic BUZZES]

**TEN**  
(continuing)  
And please do put your guns away: I don't like them and I've just activated the temporal grace sub-routine so they won't work. Now: watch my hand. Bet even you two haven't seen this one before.

[The bus TARDIS doors CREAK open again while TEN chuckles]

**SAM**  
Hey, he got the door open - whoa, shit!

**DEAN**  
(angry but a little frightened/awestruck)  
What kind of a freak are you? Angel? Demon? Monster?

**SAM**  
(Overlapping slightly with Dean's line, stunned)  
But your -- that's your sleeve -- how is your hand coming out of the door over there?

**TEN**  
(Matter of fact)  
None of the above, Dean.

[Both sets of TARDIS doors shut, one with a sliding click, the other with a thunk]

**TEN**  
And, Sam, the reason my hand went into the doors of one TARDIS and came out through the doors of the other is because you two, of all people, somehow managed to activate a distress call that pulled _my_ TARDIS inside of this one. And now we're all caught in a recursive loop, which, needless to say, is a spot of trouble.

[Sonic BUZZES]

**DEAN**  
(quietly, to Sam)  
Did you understand a single word of what he said?

**SAM**  
(gulps, murmurs)  
No, but he sort of looks... kind of like he knows what he's doing--

**TEN**  
(to himself, loudly, ignoring the Winchesters' huddle)  
Oh, this is a right beauty, this girl you've found. Bell-lissima. Very posh, very modern -- a type 89 if I'm not mistaken -- though I've always been a fan of the classics myself -- and I think--

[Sonic BUZZES]

**TEN**  
(slightly more hesitant, by the end of the line, he sounds sad and wistful)  
I think, I might know who her driver was.  
(Quieter)  
Which could be very, very bad indeed. Have to check it out.

[Sound of furious TYPING, which continues under the dialogue until Ten's next line]

**DEAN**  
(very quietly, in the background, muttering to himself)  
Fucking crazy is what...

**SAM**  
(over Dean)  
I don't mean to be rude, uh, Doctor, but could you tell us who you are and how you know, uh, who we are?

**TEN**  
Not at the moment, no.  
(frustrated)  
Oh, come on!

[Sound of TEN's fist banging against a metallic console, discouraging electronic sounds, then sonic BUZZES]

**TEN**  
Ah, Romana! Brilliant improviser when she had to be, clever little emergency protocol, using the very structure of this TARDIS as a void transducer, but it's overloading because --

**DEAN**  
(skeptical/confused)  
TARDIS -- you keep saying that. What's a TARDIS?

**TEN**  
(all one breath)  
Time machine, bigger on the inside, you're standing in one and I just stepped out of one.  
(claps)  
Anyway, from the looks of things, even in the middle of the Time War, Romana never quite stopped her missions to E-space. Must've put the ship on a countdown-- oh, never mind -- not important right now. What _is_ important is that her TARDIS brought quite a bit of void stuff and -- ooh, entropic fermions, those are _nasty_ buggers -- back with it along for the ride.

**SAM**  
(confused and suspicious)  
E-space? Void stuff? _Entropic_ fermions? None of those came up in any of my physics lectures.

**DEAN**  
Okay, crazy cakes, now we _know_ you're making at least half of that up.

**TEN**  
(slightly annoyed at their ignorance)  
Not making it up, all of those are very dangerous, blow a hole in the universe kind of things - especially if they're all in one place. Not to mention that none of her diagnostics are functioning, I've never actually operated a Type 89 before, and thanks to the recursive loop, I can't get back to my control room -- what in the world did you cowboys do in here?

**DEAN**  
(angrier)  
We didn't do anything, we were just trying to find our way out of this thing. Doors locked behind us as soon as we set foot inside.

**TEN**  
(snapping)  
You must have done _something_. The distress call I received didn't send itself.  
(accusing Dean)  
You, Dean Winchester, oh, you're very good with machines but you never cope very well with being trapped, and you,  
(accusing Sam)  
Sam, so very clever and always so curious, wanting to push the boundaries, poking at things you really ought not to -- plenty of buttons and levers in here, aren't there? Hmm?

**SAM**  
(unnerved)  
How -- what? How the hell do you know all of this about us?

**TEN**  
(stern)  
I'm a time traveler with none to spare at the moment. Let me be very blunt with you: we have approximately thirty minutes before the combination of recursion and entropy results in a complete collapse of both TARDIS matrices.

**DEAN**  
(hesitant)  
Which means?

**TEN**  
(flat)  
Oh, every molecule of matter in this galaxy simultaneously exploding at the speed of light, and that's just for starters.

[sound of buttons being pressed]

**SAM**  
How can we help?

**TEN**  
First, don't touch anything else. I'm the only being in the universe who can fix this but in order to do that and not accidentally wipe out a quarter of the universe in the process, I need to know _exactly_ what you two have done since you've been in here.

[Uncomfortable pause]

**TEN**  
How long have you been in here?

**DEAN**  
(bitter)  
Almost eight hours.

**SAM**  
(a little too quick to correct Dean)  
Five hours and forty six minutes.

**DEAN**  
(snorts)  
It's been awhile.  
(pointed, annoyance with Sam showing)  
And this place is big, but it isn't big enough.

**TEN**  
(placating, thoughtful)  
How'd you get in here in the first place? How'd you find this ship?

**DEAN**  
(mumbling)  
Haunted Short Bus of Jericho, Vermont.

**TEN**  
Wossat?

**SAM**  
We thought it was a haunted, abandoned school bus.

**DEAN**  
(muttering a complaint he's probably repeated dozens of times during their stay)  
Stupid case to be working when we've got the Mother of All Monsters gunning for us.

**TEN**  
(Has just realized WHEN in their timeline the Winchesters came from, so he's cautious)  
Ah. Er, Sam, how are your sleeping habits lately?

**SAM**  
(Automatically)  
Fine.  
[beat]  
Wait--!

**TEN**  
(compassionate)  
I'm a time traveler, I know things. I'm also a little bit telepathic, but that's not going to work on you right now, is it? Can't risk reading your mind, not in your state.

[beat]

**DEAN**  
(begrudging but reflexively self-sacrificing)  
If it will... save the universe, you could... as long as you stick to the last couple of hours, understand--

**TEN**  
(compassionate, gentle)  
I appreciate you trying to spare your brother, Dean, but before you get yourself all worked up, tell me, did you two separate at all once you got in here?

**DEAN**  
(sighs, exposing his exhaustion for a split-second, would be rubbing his forehead if we could see it, contemplating lying but deciding against it.)  
Ah, just a couple of times. Few minutes of cooling off, here and there.

**TEN**  
(cheerful)  
Then don't worry about me rummaging through your brain. I'd have to compare your stories anyway: may as well hear them at the same time. Sum up as best you can -- but be thorough, please: fate of the universe and all.

**DEAN**  
(sniffing, feeling a little martyred and masking it poorly with sarcasm)  
Right. Usually just the world. No pressure at all.

**SAM & TEN**  
(chiding, in roughly the same tone of voice)  
Dean.

**DEAN**  
(grunts)  
Whatever - we drove out to this random muddy field, all misty and shit so we can case the school bus, get a better idea of what we're up against, if anything.

[Impala engine RUMBLES then CUTS OUT (possibly squishy foot falls after that?)]

**SDP**  
(exaggerated, sounding like he's narrating "Unsolved Mysteries"/is as green as a Ghostfacer)  
Locals say there are unexplained lights in the windows at night.

**DEAN**  
(skeptical)  
Do the lights actually, y'know, do anything to people?

**SDP**  
No, but my research says this a 1960s era bus and no one around here can remember it being here before 2010.

**DEAN**  
(perks up)  
2010? As in right when the Civil War upstairs kicked off?

**SDP**  
(still overexcited)  
That's right.

**DEAN**  
(thoughtful - not really sarcastic, just another day in the life)  
So we might be walking into an angelic death machine. Awesome.

**SAM**  
(still overexcited and babbling)  
There's something weird going on here either way: did I tell you that the city's broken three tow trucks trying to move it and no one's been able to open the doors, couldn't cut into it either, blow-torch didn't even scratch the paint.  
(KNOCKS on the metallic exterior)  
But we gotta try, right?  
(Grunts, pulling at the sliding doors)  
(Whiny)  
I'm not feeling any give here, lend a hand?

**DEAN**  
(chuckle of superiority)  
Nah. Think I'll give the backdoor a try first.

[sound of footsteps in grass, then a heavy lock opening - resounding but easy]

**DEAN**  
(smooth)  
Heh. Easy enough; and that's one mystery debunked.  
[Climbs up]  
Kinda dark in here.

**SDP**  
(bitchy)  
Well - _somebody_ must have tried that before, I don't - hey! Dean, you need to be more careful -- wait up--

[RECORD SCRATCH]

**SAM**  
(smug)  
And I was right, wasn't I?

**DEAN**  
(begrudging)  
Fine, yeah, as soon as we got in, the door slammed shut behind us.

**TEN**  
(thinking out loud as he connects the new dots)  
Mmm, yes. The ship had just enough power to the exterior sensors to identify you as time travelers, but she couldn't get a complete scan until you entered the console room.  
[SONIC BUZZES]  
(regretful)  
By the time she realized the mistake, it was too late. All of Romana's clever, fragile sub-routines and emergency protocols collapsed, so the TARDIS locked down. She burnt off half her rooms to get the range and power to find me.

**SAM**  
(suspicious)  
What- how could a ship tell that we've traveled in time?

**DEAN**  
And what do you mean, we're mistakes?

**TEN**  
(teasing)  
Time travel leaves its marks on you - not the sort of thing that can be cleared up with a quick shot at the free clinic, and who would know the signs better than a time machine? The ship was waiting for someone who could drive her, perform the manual overrides she needed to reset her systems - poor thing, it was pure rotten luck she let in the wrong sort of time traveler.

**DEAN**  
What's the right sort?

**TEN**  
Me. But nevermind, what'd you do next?

**SAM**  
It was pitch black and we were trapped, so first we tried to get the door back open.

**DSP**  
Stand back, Sam.

**SAM**  
I really don't think you should--

[GUN SHOT, THEN RICOCHETS around the room while Sam and Dean yelp]

**DSP**  
Whoops.

**SAM**  
Told you. Hey, shit - Dean, check this out.

**DSP**  
(confused)  
This is -- what the hell?

**SAM**  
[Just another day in the life]  
It's bigger on the inside, like the Green Room Zachariah set up. The heavenly weapon theory gets another point.

**DSP**  
(barks out a laugh)  
This is a really, _really_ special short bus.  
(taking the joke to the next level)  
Maybe for the cherubim, they're kind of the special-ed angels.

**SAM**  
(sighs)  
And now that you've gotten that out of your system, I think there's some kind of control panel up on that platform.  
[steady HEAVY METALLIC FOOTFALLS]  
Let me see if I can find the lights.

[Dean rushes up the stairs, making about five LIGHT METALLIC FOOTFALLS]

**DSP**  
(Bossy)  
No way, look at all the gears on this rig, this is _my_ kind of tech, not yours.

**SAM**  
(Once again, Dean has found a new low)  
You've got to be kidding - hey, stop!

[SLAPS, GRUNTS and YELPS, followed by RECORD SCRATCH]

**DEAN**  
(affably insulting)  
Bitch, you're the one who decided to go all slap-happy. You got what you deserved.

[SAM exhales loudly; he's used to Dean's shit, doesn't mean he has to be happy about it]

**TEN**  
(taking control of the situation)  
Hold up, I think I've missed something.

**DEAN**  
(explaining, gloating)  
Sam slapped my ear, so I knocked his pansy ass down. That's all normal, but this time, Sam's ass landed on this panel here.

**TEN**  
And then?

**DEAN**  
The lights turned sorta half-on, more yellow than orange at first. And that weird groaning noise started showing up.  
(attempts to imitate the noise, it comes out sounding more constipated than ominous)

**TEN**  
(takes this in stride)  
Sam, you wouldn't be able to give me a little more detail on the, er, landing, would you?

**SAM**  
(grunts)  
I'm pretty sure I felt at least five buttons click down, this row or the lower one, but I know for certain this lever's what took out my tailbone.

**TEN**  
That fits. Tell me more.

**SAM**  
(searching his memory)  
We didn't know what we'd done, but we realized we had no idea how to work this thing and now we had some light, so we decided to search the place, see if we could find the source of the groans, another way out of the place or-

**DEAN**  
(interrupting, smirking)  
What we found first was ice for Sammy's butt-hurt.

**SDP**  
(whining)  
These chairs hurt even with the ice. I think you broke my tail bone, jerk.

**DEAN**  
(huffing, investigating the room)  
Christ, when'd you turn into the fucking Princess on the pea? Let the ice do its job.  
[cupboard door SQUEAKS open, sound of Dean grabbing some kind of wrapped package (like a pop-tart wrapper or a bag of potato chips)]  
Never seen writing like this before.

**SDP**  
(bitchy)  
Me either. Are you really looking for food in here? How are you sure it's even a kitchen?

**DEAN**  
('Do I really have to explain?')  
Yes, I'm looking for food, because who knows how long we could be stuck on the short bus? There's ice in the freezer, water on tap, a little camp stove, and glasses and plates all around. Sounds like kitchen to me.

**SDP**  
(Huffs out a pained sigh)  
Also sounds like labratory. If I were you, I'd assume everything's a science experiment unless there's compelling evidence otherwise.

**DEAN**  
(snorts)  
Whatever you say, sore ass. Ooh, intercom.  
(presses the button)  
Hello? Anyone there?  
(no response)  
Damn.

**SDP**  
Can we _please_ get a move on now?

**DEAN**  
Hold your horses, princess, gimme a second.  
(triumphant)  
Hah! Little read out here's asking me to state my menu choice.  
(holds down button)  
I'll take a double bacon cheeseburger and a coke.  
[metallic BUZZ as a door on the opposite side of the room pops open instantly, DEAN WALKS QUICKLY TO RETRIEVE HIS BURGER]  
Well, gotta stay on our toes here. But look at this beauty-- told you this was a kitchen!  
[CHEWS noisily]  
(mouth full)  
Whaddyou want? Bet this thing whips up a mean salad shaker.

**SDP**  
[HEADDESK]  
(groaning)  
Just get me out of here.

[RECORD SCRATCH]

**SAM**  
(a hint of disgust in his voice)  
I think we can leave out the details of the smorgasbord.

**TEN**  
(Insistent)  
Hey, you never know: could be important.

**DEAN**  
(reliving the happy experience)  
Well, after the burger-

**SAM**  
(Irritated, quickly rattling off a list in a dull monotone)  
Two chili cheese dogs, a Sam Adams, a small broccoli casserole, onion rings, fried mozzarella sticks, another Sam Adams, two coffees--

**DEAN**  
(popping in)  
Which were terrible, by the way.

**SAM**  
(shooting back)  
Then why'd you order _three_?  
(continuing the list)  
A hot apple pie with vanilla ice cream, another coffee, and six failed attempts to order more beer.  
(teasing, sing-song)  
You got cut off by a time machine.

**TEN**  
(reticent)  
I hate to be on this side of the question, but are you bigger on the inside?

**DEAN**  
(Casual)  
I work it off on the job.

**SAM**  
(snorts)  
I do the same work on half the calories.

**DEAN**  
(insult veiled in a fake surrender)  
Hey, I get it: every time I bring up your anorexia you just go deeper into denial.

**SAM**  
(ignoring Dean's taunt, returning to the story)  
After Dean's 'snack', we tried following the groan through the halls.

**DEAN**  
It led us to some kind of giant Salvation Army warehouse gone horribly wrong, lots of frilly chick stuff to hide under. Took us an hour to search the place.  
(sniffs)  
It might've taken less time if Sammy hadn't gotten distracted every five minutes.

**SDP**  
Oooh, paisley!

[RECORD SCRATCH]

**SAM**  
(snapping)  
I _never_ said that.

**DEAN**  
(snapping back)  
At least twice, those exact words, swear to God.

**SAM**  
(folding, quiet and testy)  
Whatever, man.  
(plays the ace up his sleeve, smooth and louder)  
At least _I_ wasn't the one stuffing silky panties into my jacket pockets.

**TEN**  
(coughs)  
You do have a bit of red lace sticking out there, Dean.

**DEAN**  
(caught red-handed)  
I uh--Lisa likes-- nevermind, we didn't press any buttons or find anything of interest in there, so let's get on with it already.

**TEN**  
(sniffs)  
I'm curious as to which one of you tried on Romana's perfume, but we'll have to save that question for later.  
(claps his hands happily)  
Allons-y, mes amis travesti nouvelles.  
(Trans: "Let's go, my new transvestite friends.")

**SAM**  
(Understands French, chuckles)  
Nice.

**DEAN**  
(doesn't understand French, snippy and cagey)  
Right. Continuing in the same direction down the corridors, we found the garden, it was boring, we left, next door was a bedroom--

**TEN**  
(interrupting, skeptical)  
Romana's garden was boring? I find that hard to believe: last I saw her, she'd assured me that her prized collection of sentient and carnivorous plants not only thrived, but that she'd left it in a completely secure location.

**SAM**  
(snickers)  
Heh. They're awful friendly for carnivores. One of 'em got real attached to Dean.

**DEAN**  
(wrathful, loud)  
You agreed we wouldn't talk about the vines!

**SAM**  
(lording it over Dean)  
At least acknowledge that I saved your ass in there.

**DEAN**  
(quiet and rushed in the beginning, slowing down and raising his voice on the threat)  
Sam macheted the thing with the vines to death, which I appreciate but which we're _never_ discussing again, because I will break the jaw of anyone who mentions it starting _now_.  
(low and fast, to the Doctor)  
Also, your girlfriend must be one kinky bitch and if you're into that too, you're a sick bastard.

**TEN**  
(gingerly)  
Ah. I see. Let us not speak of it again--unless anything else important happened in there?

**DEAN**  
(temper barely contained, a harsh, low near-growl)  
That.. thing had the drop on me ten steps in, and it wasn't like I was gonna stick around after.

**SAM**  
I can confirm that: he was having trouble walking--  
(DEAN growls and SAM quickly amends his story)  
\--because he was so light-headed, y'know, and he pretty much used me as a crutch until we reached the master bedroom. Then he disappeared into the bathroom--

**DEAN**  
(Interrupting, firm)  
Which we're also not discussing.  
(mumbled aside to the Doctor)  
Sorry 'bout the mess, though.

**SAM**  
(uncomfortable and a little bit strangled)  
Yeah, and that's the only bathroom we've found.  
(continuing)  
About twenty minutes later he stumbled out of there and onto her giant blue bed. I searched the place while he... recovered, but all the books were in that strange alphabet, so I couldn't read anything. Fortunately, she had a collection of weird Rubiks cubes--

**TEN**  
(keen with a bit of fear)  
You're certain they were Rubiks cubes?

**SAM**  
(now not so sure)  
Yeah, I mean, I solved a couple of 'em.

**TEN**  
(laudatory)  
 _Really?_ How much time did it take you?

**SAM**  
(still wary)  
About two and a half hours...

**TEN**  
(amazed, but trying to hide it)  
And you solved _two_ of the boxes?

**DEAN**  
(picking up that Sam's achieved something astonishing, playing the proud older brother)  
Three, actually. He solved the last one a little after I woke up.

**SAM**  
(sheepish)  
I like puzzles.

**DEAN**  
(still proud)  
He's good with puzzles.

**TEN**  
(a bit dazed)  
Sam-- I-- you're either brilliant or psychotic or maybe both, but that's just-- a human solving three Rassilon keys in two hours -- fantastic!  
[Loudly kisses his fingertips]  
Bellii-simo, bravo. Can I give you a hug?

**SAM**  
(blunt)  
No.

**TEN**  
(scoffing)  
Awww, c'mon over here, ya big lug. Everything's better with hugs.  
[Sam gives in, they hug, Sam grunts a little at first, but then both are slapping each other's backs in classic manly fashion]  
(whispers in Sam's ear)  
Except for Romana's garden.

**DEAN**  
(alert, barking)  
What'd you just say?

**TEN**  
(released from the hug, smooth delivery from a professional liar)  
Nothing.

**DEAN**  
(grunts)  
That's what I thought. If the love fest is over?  
[affirmative hums from SAM & TEN]  
After the bedroom, we tried to find a kitchen or a bathroom for Sam, but none of the doors opened until we wound up back here, which doesn't make any sense.

**TEN**  
(cordial)  
It does, but only if you can think in twelve dimensions of space-time.

**SAM &DEAN**  
(Skeptical, Sam because he knows physics, Dean because the number just sounds ridiculous)  
 _Twelve_ dimensions?

**TEN**  
(Placating, but firm.)  
You'll have to take my word for it, your brains are hardwired to four: even six would cause a psychotic break.  
(to Sam)  
And don't you go telling the String Theorists just yet, it's a useful thought experiment.

**SAM**  
(mind still a little boggled)  
Uh, right. Anyway, you showed up about five minutes after we came back, and I, uh, I think we've told you everything.

**DEAN**  
(gruff)  
Maybe too much. So, can you fix it?

**TEN**  
Mmm... yes, I think I have it now.

[Cloister bell TOLLS]

**TEN**  
And it's a lucky thing too, that's the sound of time running out, just gimme one moment.

[Sounds of three buttons being pressed, a switch being pulled, and then there's a happy electronic sound - like a doorbell or something?]

**TEN**  
There we go. All better.

**DEAN**  
(skeptical, bordering on angry)  
That's it?

**SAM**  
(skeptical)  
You pressed like, three buttons.

**TEN**  
(like he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar)  
Yes, weeeee-ll, the order of the buttons was very important. And there's a lot of things I _didn't_ do that would have been very bad indeed. It was a very serious and precise maneuver I just did there, believe me.

**DEAN**  
Define "serious and precise".

**TEN**  
Press the buttons in the wrong order, we could have lost Portugal.

[Beat]

**DEAN**  
Portugal?

**TEN**  
Yep, could have wiped Portugal clear off the map. That or Benin, these things are quite tricky.

**DEAN**  
(clears his throat)  
Well, I guess it's best that you waited until you knew the right order.

**TEN**  
Oh, absolutely.

**SAM**  
(Very quickly, laying a trap)  
And you've known the order since when?

**TEN**  
(automatically)  
Since you told me about the fight in the control room --  
(panicky)  
Oh, oops, okay, oh hey - watch it! I still have my screwdriver and your guns don't work here.

[sound of stomping footsteps, possibly on metal grates? or knuckles popping]

**DEAN**  
Nothing's wrong with our fists.

**SAM**  
And we're really sick of being jerked around by strange beings that appear out of nowhere and tell us we have to save the world.

**TEN**  
(irritated)  
Always with the violence, the pair of you -- let me explain. You didn't ever find the library, notice that?

**SAM**  
There's a library in here too?

**TEN**  
Of course there's a library! Not that the ship would have let you in there. Couldn't let you find Romana's prized collection of the Winchester Gospels, more than three hundred different editions last time I checked.  
(suspiciously, pruriently)  
And suddenly I understand her... fascination with you a bit better.

**DEAN &SAM**  
(horrified)  
Chuck wrote MORE?

**TEN**  
(Gleeful)  
Oh yes!

**SAM**  
(hesitantly, like he knows the answer and it's going to hurt)  
And you've... read... them.

**TEN**  
Couple of times. Romana insisted. So you see, okay, maybe I jerked you around a little, sorry -- but I couldn't pass up the chance to get to meet _the_ Sam and Dean Winchester, see how you measured up to the stories.

**DEAN**  
(feeling violated and angry)  
And how do we... measure up?

**TEN**  
(a bit oblivious to their anger)  
Mmmm... even taller than I expected. But everything in them makes a good deal more sense now.

**SAM**  
What the hell did this make sense of? Us having to face down the Apocalypse? Why there's a civil-fucking-war in Heaven? Do have any idea where this whole Eve thing is going?

**TEN**  
Yes, everything, it all makes much more sense.

**DEAN**  
(impatient, sing-songing like he's chiding a slow kindergarten student)  
Care to share any of your discoveries with the class, Doctor, or are you going to pull the twelve dimension card again?

**TEN**  
I'm afraid I can't, Dean, and no, this is a four dimensional issue. To put it in simplest terms--  
(clears his throat)  
\--spoilers.

**SAM**  
What's that supposed to mean?

**TEN**  
Means it's not for me to meddle in the affairs of gods and men-- well, not that that's ever stopped me before, but yours would be a particularly bad situation for me to muck about with.

**DEAN**  
(exasperated)  
Why the hell not? You're as bad as the angels - just want to wring a little more pain out of us until we break?

**TEN**  
(dark, threatening)  
You've no idea the responsibilities I carry, Dean. I'm the one who had to set off the volcano in Pompeii, sacrificing thousands for trillions, and I'm telling you, me intervening in your situation would cause so much more harm than good.  
(backs away from his anger, thoughtful, wistful)  
I've learned -- the hard way -- that sometimes it's a bad idea to play god. I can't expect you to understand...

[Sonic BUZZES and the TARDIS bus doors unlock and swing open]

**TEN**  
(quieter, almost a breath)  
Not yet anyway.  
(Louder, still a bit sad)  
And I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry. But you two will have to sort this all out yourselves. Again.  
(back to speed, flipping switches and pressing buttons)  
Not to mention I only have a window of about two minutes to tow this ship someplace safe before she locks back down. I appreciate you tracking her down for me, but now it's time for you to drive off into the sunset, brothers Winchester.  
(Encouraging)  
Go. Be fantastic together.

**DEAN**  
But--

**SAM**  
(pushing Dean along)  
C'mon Dean. I _really_ need to go.

**DEAN**  
(letting himself be pulled)  
But what if we need to track his lying ass down?

**TEN**  
(calling, a bit distant now)  
I'm the Doctor: feel free to look me up. Oh, and because I know you lot keep track--

**SAM & DEAN**  
(stepping down to the grass)  
What?

**TEN**  
You've finally met an alien. Snap!

[Ten SNAPS his fingers on the word and the TARDIS bus doors swing shut. It dematerializes.]

[Beat (possibly background sound of birds singing?)]

**DEAN**  
Sonovabitch!

  
**END**  


  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the following for providing the raw SFX: [AudioAlcove](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=289676), [aust paul](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=15696), [bennychico11](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=48706), [BlackCow](http://www.flashkit.com/soundfx/Mayhem/Handguns/Colt_45-BlackCow-8178/index.php), [CGEffex](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=1386366), [edwin_p_manchester](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=1978), [engreitz](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=1230147), [ERH](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=215874), [fonogeno](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=5190), [FreqMan](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=92661), [gabisaraceni](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=499696), [Halleck](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=6281), [ice9ine](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=103578), JCambs1990, [junggle](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=128404), [kemitix](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=160760), [kjackson](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=71184), [megamart](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=82273), [morgantj](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=27178), [Nathan Lomeli](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=1231186), [RoofDog](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=1227539), [rutgermuller](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=179538), [SassyLaur](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=267414), [snarkey](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=464979), [sonsdebarcelona](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=828493), [Zoom H4](http://www.freesound.org/usersViewSingle.php?id=981397) and bbc.co.uk
> 
> A second round of thanks go to [brynspikess](http://brynspikess.livejournal.com/), [somnolentblue](http://somnolentblue.dreamwidth.org), and [too-rational](http://too-rational.livejournal.com) for helping to track down that familiar rumble of the Impala's engines and again to [brynspikess](http://brynspikess.livejournal.com/) for the audio beta.


End file.
